


I Don't Blame You For Being You

by tobeaskeleton



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Spin the Bottle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-09-26 18:01:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9914489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeaskeleton/pseuds/tobeaskeleton
Summary: Maya can't stand Riley because she's annoying and naive and stupid and not at all because she likes her.AU where Maya and Riley never became friends as kids.





	1. Chapter 1

Maya hoped that freshman year would be new and exciting- a change of plans from having to sit in a class filled to capacity with the same kids she had been attending school alongside since kindergarten. And for the most part, her wishes were granted. That was until she was met with who greeted her in fifth period history: Mr. Matthews. 

Mr. Matthews was her seventh grade teacher. And her eighth grade teacher. And the father of Riley Matthews, who coincidentally is sat beside Maya in history. Her nails were painted the same bright yellow Maya was sure a seven year old would buy at a Claire’s, and she looked over at Maya and smiled. Why does she always have to act as sweet as fucking pie? 

All through class, Mr. Matthews blabbers on as Riley taps her nails on her desk repetitively. Tap tap tap. Maya tries to pay attention. Tap tap tap. The bell rings, and Maya thinks allowed, “Could you just stop it already?”

Riley looks at her, confused, and walks out, wordlessly.

-

“Maybe you're a little too stuck on this hatred of her,” Zay suggests over lunch. Maya shakes her head. 

“You don't understand, Zay. She's such a fake goodie-two-shoes. Like, sure, if my dad was a teacher, I’d have straight A’s too.” 

“Well, speak of the devil,” Zay mutters as Riley herself enters the cafeteria.

“Oh, crap, we have the same lunch period?” Maya mutters to herself. 

“It seems so,” Zay replies. Then, Maya sees it. Riley holding hands with and looking lovey-dovey at Ranger Rick aka Cowboy aka Lucas Friar. Zay follows her gaze. 

“Since when was that a thing?” she scoffs. 

“I wish I knew.”

“Aren't you two supposed to be friends, or whatever?” Zay looks uncomfortable.

“We were. In Texas. Now there's…”

“Riley.”

“Exactly,” Zay replies.

“God, they're so, so sweet, aren't they? Do you think he comes over for Sunday evening supper? Do you think he shows up and gives Mr. Matthews a big ol’ ‘Howdy partner!’ before he sits down?” 

“Um, Maya, are you okay?” Just then, Lucas leans in and gives Riley a peck on the lips. 

With perhaps too much intensity, Maya stabs her salad with her fork. “Just peachy.” 

-

“You know Maya? Maya Hart?” Riley asks her father over the dinner table.

“The student I’ve had for years and the girl who picked on you all throughout elementary school? Sure, I've heard of her,” Corey replies.

“Why does she still hate me?” 

“She doesn't really know you,” her mother, Topanga chimes in. “She can't really hate you if she doesn't know you.”

“But she does!”

“You're being dramatic.”

“Me? Dramatic? Never!” 

-

The next day in history, Mr. Matthews writes a historical event and day on the blackboard (a big surprise): Shay’s Rebellion - 1786.

“Who can tell me about Shay’s Rebellion?” he asks the class. Unsurprisingly, Farkle raises a lone hand.

“Shay’s Rebellion was an event which occurred under that Articles of Confederation that caused farmers to protest tax collection and judgements for debt.” 

“That is correct, Mr. Minkus. Does anyone know why this historical event is relevant to understanding our government? Riley?” he says, despite Riley never raising her hand.

The brunette returns from her daydreams. “Something about protest?”

“Not quite what I'm looking for.” Smackle raises her hand. raising it higher and higher. “Maya?”

“How am I supposed to know? I'm not a farmer in 1786,” Maya retorts. Lucas laughs at this and Riley glances at him, uneasily.

-

Maya is admittedly a bit surprised when Lucas approaches her in the hall. One would’ve thought her incessant mocking would've derailed him from ever purposefully interacting with her, but they would be wrong.

“What can I do for you, Ranger Roy?” she asks. the He looks amused.

“I was actually just going to ask where I could find Zay,” he replies. She shrugs.

“Sorry, I don't know where he is. He could be back yee-hawing in Texas for all I know.” Lucas actually chuckles at this comment, and Maya rolls her eyes. 

“Why do you need him, anyway? Haven’t you two grown apart, or whatever?”

“I actually just need our math homework.”

“Great.” Then, the one and only Riley Matthews steps in next to Lucas and smiles.

“Whatcha talking about?” she asks, smiling innocently in a way Maya found irritatingly cutesy. Luckily, she is saved by the bell, making a beeline to her algebra class to avoid the brunette. 

-

“Dude ditches me for this weirdo girl and now he wants my math homework?” Zay says in disbelief. 

“I know,” she replies, picking at her sandwich. “They're the worst. Do you believe me now?”

“I still think you're a little aggressive, but to an extent, yes.”

“Fair enough.”

“Maya, he's coming over here now. What do you think he's doing?” Zay asks, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

-

Riley is in disbelief. Lucas asked Maya and Zay to come to his party, out of the blue. Like, fine Zay, but Maya. 

She saw them earlier today in the hall, and they were smiling at each other and today he laughed at her joke in class and- It was obvious! Why would Lucas want her when he could have Maya with her stupid clothes and stupid sarcasm and beautiful hair… Riley huffed. When Lucas comes back to the table, she looks at him with judgement.

“Why did you do that?” she asks. 

“Do what?” Lucas looks genuinely confused.

“You know what!” 

“You're gonna have to explain to me what you mean because-”

“-You invited her to your party,” Riley explains like it's obvious. And to her, it is. How could he not understand how baffled she is that he would invite her.

“I invited a bunch of people.” This is true. “I wanted to invite Zay since we really haven't been friends like we used to be since Texas. She just happened to be there. There will be tons of people you probably won't even see her there.” And this answer would leave Riley content if Lucas didn't add on, saying, “Plus, she's pretty funny.” 

Riley looks over and sees Maya glance in their direction. She feels… angry. This isn't like her. She can be sweet, funny, even sad, but never angry. At least, she assumes this is what anger feels like because her heart is pounding faster than it ever has before.

-

Maya is a little more than confused when Riley Matthews approaches her as she's walking into school the following day. 

“Maya.” 

She takes an earbud out and turns around in confusion. “Yes?”

Riley opens and closes her mouth a few time before words rush out before the girl can really consider them. “Do you and Lucas like each other?” 

Maya’s eyes widen and she tries her best to hold in her laughter but fails miserably. At this point, Riley opens the door and follows Maya as they walk into school together. 

“I don't get it, what's so funny?” Riley asks, growing increasingly frustrated as the two approach Maya's locker.

“Riley, sweetie, I can't speak for Lucas, but I'm definitely not interested. Not in any boy for that matter.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You really are completely clueless, aren't you?” Maya mutters. “Hun, I’m gay.” 

Riley’s face turns beet-red, and Maya finds it almost laughable. “As in happy?” 

“Do I really have to answer that?” 

-

Maya picks at the hem of her t-shirt as she waits for Zay to step out from his closet. She's inexplicably nervous for a party she initially didn't even want to go to, her gut telling her to go home right now and forget about the entire ordeal. Zay comes out wearing a different colored flannel before.

“I can't believe she didn't know you were gay!” Zay laughs. 

“Is it really that unbelievable?”

“No comment,” he responds. “Now how does this one look?” he asks her, gesturing towards his blue flannel.

“Zay, they all look the same,” she teases, but her heart’s not in it.

“Are you okay?” he asks, sitting beside her. “Are you, Maya Hart, nervous for a party?” She scoffs and rolls her eyes. Of course she's not. It's dumb Huckleberry, what would she be nervous about?

“Why are we even going?” 

“We have nothing better to do.” He's right.

“But isn't the point to not let them know that?”

Zay rolls his eyes, and Maya huffs. 

“We’re going. End of story.” 

Maya lets out a sigh of defeat and reluctantly follows Zay out the door.

-

When there's a group of bored teenagers sitting around in a circle with nothing to do and an empty coca-cola bottle lying around there really only is one possible outcome.

“Is this even, like, allowed?” Riley asks Lucas, who looks at her incredulously.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we’re dating.” 

“It's just a game.” 

“A game involving kissing,” she insists.

Lucas responds to this comment with a chuckle like this is the most obvious thing in the world. Riley likes Lucas, she really does, but he makes her feel small. Like she should know more, have more experience. But she's just… Riley. Painfully innocent and sweet. She sighs and looks down. From the other side of the room she can hear Maya whisper something to Zay, probably about her. 

Farkle lands on Smackle, which Riley can handle. She watches the pair exchange a short peck on the lips before Smackle takes her turn. The coke bottle spins around and around for what seems like forever before landing on Maya.

Riley shifts uncomfortably. Smackle looks indifferent, planting a short smack of the lips on an unenthused appearing Maya. It's stupid, but watching it makes her angrier at Maya. Like somehow she's rubbing it in her face that she's liked girls this entire time and Riley never knew.

Maya reluctantly kisses Zay who kisses Darby who kisses Sarah who kisses Farkle who kisses Lucas who kisses Riley. Riley smiles at this, letting out a sigh of relief as she leans in to kiss her boyfriend. Then she reaches over to spin the glass bottle, her hand hovering over it dauntingly for a second before she takes her turn. And Riley swears this is the longest spin of the game.

She thinks to herself that she wouldn't really mind kissing any of the guys. Zay might be a bit awkward since they barely know one another as well as some of the other boys in her class. Missy would be less than pleasant, but she wouldn't mind kissing Smackle. She considers each possible outcome until the bottle lands on the one she least expects.

Why Maya Hart of all people?

Riley looks at Lucas as if he's going to be able to get her out of this somehow, but he gazes at her expectantly along with everyone else in the room. Crap. Maya doesn't look particularly thrilled either, which confuses Riley. She is the lesbian after all. 

“Well,” Lucas says, gesturing toward Maya. 

Maya is the one to move first, shuffling closer to Riley, but not meeting her eyes. The atmosphere in the room is too tense for either girl to bare as they finally meet eyes in a moment so quick that one might miss it before Riley pulls Maya's face closer to hers until their lips are almost touching. 

Her confidence falters for a moment before Maya in her typical snarky attitude asks her, “What, are you scared?” in a mocking tone. At this, Riley closes the distance between their mouths.

It's a soft kiss, and it's slow. It’s different than it's precedents, undeniably more gentle and serious, but Riley blames it on the mood. If everyone wasn't looking at them with such intensity, Maya would definitely have kissed her quickly and made a snide comment about her terrible breath. But she doesn't. She pulls away after a few seconds and averts her gaze, moving back to the other side of the circle, wordlessly. For a moment Riley feels like nobody's watching.

Lucas makes light of the situation, hooting and wrapping his arm around Riley and kissing her on the cheek. 

Someone's always watching.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya has a date.

Maya is strangely quiet in history, Riley notices. The blonde’s comments of annoyance have subsided to a few rollings of the eyes which occur whenever Riley raises her hand to speak. Riley furrows her eyebrows and looks at Maya, intently, until Maya notices. But instead of making a snarky comment she just looks away with a huff and returns her gaze to the front of the room.

“Are you okay?” The words rush out of Riley’s mouth without her meaning for them to as everyone begins to pack up their things for the next class. However, Maya just gives her a confused look before approaching the new girl, Sara, who is sat at the front of the room. Maya looks different than usual, more chipper and less… aggressive. Riley starts to walk out of class before she feels a hand on her shoulder.

“Woah, Riles, you're not gonna let me walk you to class?” Lucas says. Riley totally forgot that that was a thing they did.

“Oh, yeah, right,” Riley mutters to herself, fighting the urge to step out from under the arm lucas has placed around her shoulders. She looks up at him and gives a weak smile. 

-

At lunch, Maya and Zay are sitting with that Sara girl. Riley watches in confusion as Maya smiles and giggles in conversation- two things Riley has never once seen her do. Maya has always been cranky and blunt, the kind of girl who would tell you to your face if she doesn't like you. 

Riley considered that Maya has stopped hating her after the kiss at the party. Riley was obviously completely indifferent toward the kiss. Not that it felt bad necessarily speaking, but Riley isn't the gay one here. She has no idea how it felt for Maya. 

But she does imagine how it might of felt. She shivers.

-

“Guess who has a date?” Maya exclaims.

“Is it me? Oh, please tell me it's me," Zay jokes.

“Haha. Very funny. But seriously, can you believe my luck? A new girl swoops in who's a. into girls and b. cool and c. attracted to me.” 

“And she's hot,” Zay adds. Maya’s cheeks flush.

“I wasn't going to say anything, but, yeah, she totally is,” she replies, falling down onto Zay’s bed with a thump. 

“And to think, a week ago we weren't even getting invited to parties.” Zay smiles with contentment. Maya grins.

“And now, this Friday, I have a real-life actual date with a real girl.”

“High school is awesome.”

-

Riley notices the effects of Sara The New Girl must've worn off at least slightly on Maya, as she is back to her old ways of rolling her eyes at everything Riley says and making backhanded comments. On the way out, Maya snorts at Riley and just says, “Nice barrettes.”

Riley puts her hand up to the glittery, pink clips in her hair, sensitively. She had thought they were cute this morning. 

Later that day, Riley crosses her arms in front of Maya’s locker.

“Do you need something?” Maya asks.

“Why do you have such a big problem with me?” Riley questions in a voice that's just a little too intense. Maya looks back at her like this is the most riduclous thing she could have ever said.

“Right now it's because you're in my way,” Maya says, brushing her shoulder against Riley’s as she walks past her, leaving Riley alone at Maya’s locker. 

-

On Friday, Maya is quiet the entire school day, her head swarming with too much anxiety to be able to behave like her normal cynical self. She’s never really been on, per say, a real date with a girl. She's kissed girls, but a girlfriend always seemed out of the picture. None of the other girls in her class are interested in other girls, or at least they don't care to admit it.

So Sara is it. If she messes up this date, she'll be single until college. She tries to explain this to Zay at lunch, but he interrupts her.

“You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Like, a ridiculous amount,” he points out. She glares at him until Sara walks over and then Maya turns it into a grin.

“Hey,” Sara says. 

“Hey,” Maya says, smiling dorkily. 

“Hey,” Zay says, mocking them with exaggerated heart-eyes. Both girls give him a pointed look but then laugh. Noticing the tension between the girls, he stood up with, “I’m going to go buy something from the vending machine.” Maya gives him a small, grateful smile.

“So,” Maya begins. “You never told me where you want to go Friday.” Sara’s eyes light up.

“Actually, the other day I saw this cute little café, and I figured we could walk there after school and then maybe see a movie?” 

“Awesome!” Maya replies. “Do you know what it's called?”

“Um… Topanga’s, I think,” Sara answers, pronouncing it like “pong.” Maya’s heart drops. 

“Topanga’s?”

“Yeah! That's it.” Sara is eager, her smile twisting Maya’s gut in a way that makes anything seem like a good idea. Even if she knows it means she'll probably have to see Riley Matthews.

“Are you sure? A lot of kids from school go there…”

“Oh.” Sara’s face falls. “I didn't realize you weren't out yet.”

“No!” Maya protests. “No, I just didn't know if that would make you uncomfortable, or anything. I’m fine with people seeing us and stuff, I just wanted to make sure you were.”

“Oh, of course!” Sara replied, her smile returning as she reaches out and squeezes Maya’s hand. “I can't wait.” Maya blushes. 

-

And of course it’s just Maya’s luck that Riley and Ranger Rick are already in Topanga’s when she arrives with Sara. Sara, of course, pays no attention to them at all, but Maya can feel Riley’s eyes on them as they grab a seat on the other side of the café. She clenches her fists under the table.

“You seem tense,” Sara remarks. Maya shakes her head vigorously.

“I’m fine,” she insists. “I just need my afternoon coffee, you know,” she adds, with a chuckle. If it comes out forced, Sara doesn't seem to notice. 

“Hey, you're really into art, right?” Sara asks.

“Yeah… I dabble. But, I mean, you do too, right? You're in my art class.”

“Yeah, but I've seen your stuff. You do way more than dabble,” she replies. Maya blushes.

“Why do you ask?”

“Oh! I totally saw this thing online where you paint with coffee and I just thought of it and-” Sara continues talking, and Maya is nodding along until she notices in the corner of her eye that Riley is still looking over Lucas’ shoulder at them. Maya accidentally meets her eyes but averts them immediately. 

This is why she didn't want to come here, and really why she can't stand Riley in the first place. She’s in Maya’s head. 

“What do you think?” Sara asks. Maya shakes her head, tearing herself away from her thoughts. 

“I'm sorry, what?”

“The art show. Are you submitting work?” 

Maya looks over at Riley, and this time holds the gaze out of annoyance. 

“Yeah, I just-” Maya shakes her head. “Let’s just get some coffee.”

-

The rest of the date goes decently, they go to see The Bye-Bye Man to make fun of it for its entirety, and when they're both riding the subway home together, Sara kisses Maya on the cheek before she has to get off. Maya blushes and waves goodbye. 

It’s perfect. She’s perfect. Why does Maya still feel like she's missing something?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riley and Lucas have relationship issues.

Lucas cups Riley’s face and brings her in closer, closer than usual, and opens his mouth when they kiss. Riley doesn't really like it when he does this; she loses interest, and he acts so intense and heated. She prefers when they just hang out. And a small chaste kiss on the lips would suffice instead of having to make out with him for what feels like eternity. But she keeps kissing him until she feels something she's not used to, and she abruptly pulls away.

To put it bluntly, Lucas is hard, and it's not a big deal. Riley knows it's not a big deal, but it isn't stopping her from acting like it's a big deal. 

“What is that?” Riley asks, frantically, though she knows the answer.

“Um… you know,” Lucas answers, awkwardly. “We can stop now and just, like, watch a movie if you want or something.” Riley stands, shifting her weight back and forth between her toes and her heels. A dreadfully long pause follows.

“I think-” Riley begins, furrowing her eyebrows together. “-I think I should just get going.” She starts slowly backing out the door. “My dad is going to get worried about me, and dinner should be ready.” She closes the door behind her before Lucas can say anything. 

Smacking her palm to her forehead, she mutters to herself, “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” And now she needs to take the subway alone to get back home. She's going home at five on a Saturday. Ugh. 

-

New York is a big city- one you can easily get swallowed whole in. People walk in and out of the subway as Maya blinks her eyes, and most of them seem to be complete strangers. So, as Maya speaks to Sara, she feels like everyone is listening and she barely raises her voice above a whisper.

That is, until a relatively loud, “Shit,” slips out of her mouth when Riley steps onto the train looking on edge. It's a contrast from the irritatingly bubbly girl she usually sees. As the rest of the train is insanely crowded, Riley stands only a little bit away from Maya, but she can tell she's trying to lean as far from her and Sara as humanly possible. Sara looks at Maya’s annoyed expression with concern, reaching out for the other girl’s hand and intertwining their fingers.

“Doesn't that girl go to our school?” Sara whispers. Maya almost wants to say no, but that lie would fall through the moment they next had history class. So, she just nods her head. 

“She's the teacher’s daughter. A bitchy know-it-all,” Maya replies. Sara stares at her, never seeing her get to this level of snarky before. 

“I can hear you, you know,” Riley comments without even turning to face Maya. Maya thinks she can hear her voice crack.

There's a sharp pang in her chest. It feels something like guilt. 

-

Riley is emotionally drained by the time she gets home to Corey and Topanga, her eyes burning from holding back tears. She knows it's so stupid; all of the reasons she has to be upset are so, so, stupid, but nothing she can say to herself can stop her from feeling this way.

She just keeps saying it to herself. She’s a bitchy know-it-all. One that’s not even attracted to her own boyfriend. She doesn't even know if she ever really was. She's never liked kissing him that much. She's never felt the way she thought she should when he held her hand. 

Sometimes, Lucas would try to kiss her in the hall. She would turn her cheek. One time, Maya was walking by and saw this and snorted to herself. She had muttered, “Prude.”

And what was with Maya? She had been insulting Riley for years, but for some reason, it hurt more to Riley when she was holding hands with another girl.

-

Sara never commented on the incident on the subway, and for that Maya was grateful. It was only their second date; she would never forgive herself if she ruined it this early. 

And again, the night goes as perfectly as last week’s, except for the disturbances of Riley Matthews. 

Later, Zay calls her and asks for the details, but she can't seem to stop herself from coming back to the awkward moment on the subway.

“Maya, you're being ridiculously hard on yourself, again,” Zay argues. 

“I-” Maya takes in a deep breathe. “I’m scared, Zay. I’m so scared I’m going to fuck everything up.” 

“You won't,” he replies, his voice softening. Maya thinks of Riley’s cracked voice on the subway. 

“I always seem to.” 

-

Riley comes to school Monday morning, finds Lucas, and wraps her arms around him, kissing him the way other couples always seem to kiss in the halls. When she opens her mouth, Lucas pulls away.

“Woah, Riley, are you okay?” he asks, concerned. She feels dizzy with confusion. Why is he staring at her like she's crazy? 

“Isn't this what you want?” she asks. She smiles, though her heart isn't in it. Lucas stares back at her, dumbfounded.

“I mean- I mean, only if it's what you want.” 

Riley doesn't know what she wants at all. “I do.” She has no idea what she really just agreed to, but her chest thumps with anticipation. 

When Riley sits down in history, she avoids looking directly at Maya the entire time, but she can swear she sees Maya looking at her out of the corner of her eye. Somehow, this makes her more nervous than Lucas ever did holding her hand or even kissing her for the first time, and she doesn't fully understand why. 

-

That night, Riley dreams of kissing Lucas, though it's better than usual. His lips are softer, and his face feels smooth against her own. 

When she pulls away, it’s Maya’s face staring back at her. She looks around and realizes they're back at that party playing spin the bottle.

This time, Lucas doesn't hoot, and he doesn't wrap his arm around Riley. Maya leans in again and whispers into Riley’s ear, “Are you scared?” 

-

The next morning at school, Riley kisses Lucas and asks if he wants to come over after school. He says yes.

-

Sara isn't here today. Maya would be lying if she didn't say it’s a relief. Not that she doesn't like the girl, it's just that she gets so nervous when she's around, so scared of ruining everything. But today, it's just her and Zay, and she finally feels like she can breathe. 

“Is your girlfriend here today?” Zay asks, turning his head left and right.

“No,” Maya retorts. “And she's not my girlfriend... yet. We've only been on two dates.” 

“Maya, we’re fifteen. That's practically long-term,” he jokes. She grins. “Plus you're a lesbian. Aren't you two supposed to be moved in together by now?”

“Ha-ha. Very funny. I think you're just jealous I have a girl, and you don't.” 

“Psh, I get so many girls, but none of them are good enough for me.” 

“I'm sure,” Maya replies, sarcastically.

-

Riley and Lucas are sitting at the bay window after school, and it starts off innocent enough. Riley has her laptop out and the pair are watching videos of cats on the internet, and Lucas has his arm around her shoulder in a way that isn't totally unpleasant. In her head, Riley thinks she can make this work, that she can feel the way she thinks she has to. She knows she likes Lucas, that he's attractive. So what's the issue?

Riley sets aside her laptop, eventually, her eyes beginning to burn from staring at a screen for too long. “So…” she begins. “What do you want to do now?” 

As Lucas leans into Riley, she convinces herself that she can do this, that this will be the kiss that will make her feel something. The seconds leading up to it seem to go in slow motion. She looks at his lips, his smile. She closes her eyes.

Lips on lips. That's how it's always been. She pulls away almost as soon their mouths meet. His eyes search her for an answer she knows she can't give. So instead, she asks him the question.

“Why don't I feel the way I'm supposed to?” she asks. 

“What does that mean?” 

“Like, when we kiss,” she tries to explain. He looks hurt. She didn't want him to look hurt. “I like you a lot, Lucas, I promise I do.”

“Then what do you mean?” he asks again. “If you like me that much, why don't you want to kiss me? Sometimes, I feel like you don't even want to hold my hand.”

Riley feels small. “Lucas, it’s not like… I mean, you're still my boyfriend,” she tries. He shakes his head, beginning to stand up.

“I don't think you do. At least not in the way a girlfriend is supposed to like her boyfriend.” He seems angry, but he keeps his temper to himself, balling up his hands into fists and closing his eyes to breathe. 

“Lucas, please don't go.” 

“Riley, I think maybe… I think maybe we should take a break. To figure this out.”

Riley stares at him with wide eyes as he walks out the door. The whole thing feels surreal to her, but she doesn't exactly feel upset as much as she does totally and utterly lost. The world seems to be spinning, and she can't help but feeling that she ruins everything. Lucas hates her, he must. Farkle is his best friend, so there's no doubt on who he's going to side with. And Maya hates her. She always has. Riley acts like that doesn't matter to her, but it makes her chest ache. 

 

-

Maya stares Riley down at lunch, and though she knows Sara is talking to her, her mind is elsewhere. She smiles and nods every couple seconds for good measure. 

Why is Riley sitting alone? Why is she looking so not-peppy? Where did the unicorn patch on her backpack? Not that Maya notices those kinds of things, of course. It’s just that… now Riley is looking at her again. Getting into her head. She hates it so much, that when Riley abruptly stands up from her lunch table, Maya does the same, heading to the first floor girl’s bathroom on a whim. 

She excuses herself from her lunch table, suddenly, and ignores any suspicious looks from Zay. She opens the bathroom door without even thinking about what she's doing.

Riley is standing at a sink, splashing water on her face. Her eyes are red. She's been crying. Maya’s brain screams for her to leave, but her feet stay planted. “Riley?”

“Did you follow me here?” Riley asks, angrily. Maya has never heard her truly angry.

“I-” Maya is at a loss for words.

“Listen, I know everyone hates me. I don't need you here to remind me.”

“What?”

“Maya,” Riley says, fairly composed for a girl who has just been crying. “You've picked on me since elementary school. You hate the way I dress. You hate the way I speak. Why? Why do you hate me so much?” 

“I don't know,” Maya replies, her voice only a whisper. She walks over and stands next to Riley, who looks at her suspiciously.

After a long silence washes over the girls, Riley speaks. “Lucas broke up with me. Kind of. He said we were on a break.” 

“I'm sorry.” Maya looks at her shoes. She's never been very good at comforting people. “If it makes you feel better, I'm sure there are plenty of other guys who would love to go out with you.” 

“Somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better, at all.” She chuckles to herself, somberly. “Maya… I don’t-” she cuts herself off. “Nevermind. I don't know why I’m telling you this.”

“If it makes you feel better, I have no one to tell. Except, like, Zay, but he doesn't matter.”

“Promise not to tell Zay?”

“I promise.”

“Maya, I don't think I want to date boys at all,” Riley admits. Maya’s eyes widen. 

In that moment, everything clicks. Riley staring at her. Her staring back. The kiss at the party that went on a little longer than it had to. And Riley looks so afraid, and Maya knows it's all her fault. 

And then the bell rings.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya is confused by what Riley told her in the bathroom. Riley is confused about Maya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter that's basically just them pining but it's a mood

Riley tries to remember the first time she met Maya Hart. She can't. It was so long ago she can't even remember. The earliest distinct memory she has is of Maya in the first grade; they had been coloring pictures of dandelions when Riley asked to borrow Maya’s orange marker.

Maya had looked at her, slightly bewildered. Riley had been almost scared to ask Maya. She was tough and would roughhouse with the boys in their class instead of having slumber parties with all the other girls. Sometimes, Riley had thought, her clothes smelled of smoke. 

Riley’s fear of her had been validated when Maya looked at her and replied to her question with a sharp, “No.” 

“Why not?” Riley had asked.

“Lemme take your yellow marker.”

“I’m using it.” 

“Well then,” Maya had begun, sucking in a deep breathe. “I hate you.” 

Riley knows now that when kids say mean things, they're just testing it out, trying to figure out what saying those words make them feel. At the time, however, it stung. She still remembers the clear blue of Maya’s eyes staring at her with contempt. 

Riley falls back on her bed, closing her eyes and thinking of nothing but her limited interactions with this girl she had previously thought of to be her enemy. 

There was this time in middle school where they were united by Farkle’s temporary confession of love for both girls. They had both laughed, only the fact that it was together was a pure coincidence. Neither of them could really contain how funny it was that anybody could love two girls who were such utter opposites. 

There was the cutesy, adorable Riley Matthews, and then there was the badass, rebellious Maya Hart. And together, they clash. 

-

Maya hates this assignment. The city skyline? Please, what’s more overdone than painting the New York City skyline? 

“I think it could be kind of cool,” Sara counters. Maya shrugs, keeping her eye rolling and bitter remarks to herself. 

“I just don't think it gives us much artistic freedom,” Maya argues, adding blue acrylic paint to her pallet. “Mine is going to shitty at best.”

“You're not giving yourself enough artistic freedom. I know you. You're talented enough to make this special.” Sara touches Maya’s arm in a way that’s supposed to be tender. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Maya mumbles. She closes her eyes and rubs her temples. It’s going to be a long day. 

-

“The problem you have,” Zay says to Maya over the phone. “is that Sara is a fixer. Sometimes you just want someone to vent to. Someone who will say ‘oh that sucks’ or ‘that's the worst.’”

“The problem is she’s painfully optimistic,” Maya replies. “The problem is that she has no problems. She's perfect. It’s tiring.”

“Sucks to be you,” Zay says, sarcastically. Maya laughs.

“Yeah, I know, I know. I like her. You know that. I just need a best friend to complain to sometimes,” Maya says.

“And that's me.” 

“Yes, Zay, that’s you.”

“Thank God, I would hate to have listened to you complain about Riley Matthews for the last two years and then find out you have a different best friend.” 

Maya winces at the mention of Riley’s name but forces a chuckle despite this. “I complain about a lot of things, don't I?” 

“Yes. Especially Mr. Matthew’s historical analogies and people who stop to talk to their friends in the middle of the hallway.”

“Sounds like me.” 

-

Riley doesn't answer any calls she receives from Lucas. She does, however, listen to all of his voicemails. Some of them are long and ask her if she's okay. Some are short and bitter. She doesn't care. She never really did.

She stays home from school on Tuesday, faking a cold. Neither Cory nor Topanga really believe her, but they let it go because they assume she's upset. Over her breakup with Lucas. Part of her likes to think she is too, but she knows it's far from the truth.

The real truth, the actual truth is too hard for her to even consider. So, she doesn't. She just thinks about things. About everything.

She thinks about kissing Maya at that dumb party, but she doesn't let herself consider what it meant or what it still means. She thinks about Sara-the-new-girl. She thinks about crying in a bathroom stall. She thinks about every single moment she has ever shared with Lucas and finds herself unable to remember the most important ones.

The truth is, she doesn't know what she feels anymore. Not about Lucas, not about Maya, not about anyone. It’s like this whole time she thought she knew herself, but now, when she looks in the mirror, there's some sort of disconnect. She doesn't look different. She looks exactly the same. But everything she thought she knew seems to slowly slip away.

-

Maya doesn't want to notice when Riley isn't in school, but she does, and it makes her unreasonably frustrated. That girl has rarely ever missed school from the beginning of elementary school.

She hates how good Riley has always had it. Mr. Matthews has always been a good guy (despite how much Maya hates to admit it.) So, of course Riley would be the perfect little girl with perfect clothes who always smelled like what she ate for breakfast (which usually seemed to be waffles or pancakes.) Not that she ever noticed. Not that she ever cared. 

Little Riley was one of the first girls in their class who had ever spoken to Maya without malicious intent, even if it was just asking for a marker. Maya never knew how to handle girls. Ironic.

Sara interrupts her from her thoughts, waving a hand in front of her face. 

“Maya? Hello?”

“Sorry, what?”

“Did you start the art project yet?”

“Shit,” Maya mutters, realizing that today is going to be another day of staring at a blank canvas.

“I take that as a no.” Maya smiles, weakly and Sara gives back the same lackluster grin. An awkward silence falls over them, one that makes Maya feel uneasy. Zay breaks it, talking to Sara about some dumb romance movie Maya hasn't seen. The world is moving too fast in front of her. 

What did Riley mean? When she said that thing? About not wanting to date boys? What did it mean, what could it possibly mean…

In the back of her mind, Maya knows exactly what it meant, but her head spins when she tries to wrap her brain around it. All of the anger she thought she had felt toward Riley suddenly seems far more complex than just hatred, like there's something else there too, something Maya couldn't ever have processed in the first grade.

And then there’s Sara. She wonders to herself why, whenever something good happens to her, she always has to take the opportunity to fuck it up.

-

The following morning, the “sick” excuse doesn't quite work for Riley, so she trudges to school, her hair a mess and her clothing completely mismatched. When she opens her locker, which is located right next to Farkle’s, he looks her up and down and says, “Riley… Are you okay?”

She wants to say, “I get it. I look like shit,” but instead she says, “I’m fine. Awesome.” 

“Are you sure? Because I heard about Lucas. About… the breakup.” His voice is ridden with concern. She winces. She forgot about that.

“Oh… yeah. The breakup. I’m really fine. Really.” 

“If you're sure… Because I know this one week Smackle and I were on a break and it was hell…” 

“I am. It’s not really a- It’s just a break, right?” Just then, Lucas passes by, averting eye contact with Riley as he does so. She stares him down. When he’s out of eyesight without having acknowledged Riley at all, she rolls her eyes. 

-

When Maya walks into history class, she looks Riley up and down and snorts. She opens her mouth to speak, clearly planning some sort of insult, but falls short.

“Go ahead,” Riley says, accepting defeat. 

“You look like shit,” Maya finally replies. It should be an insult, and normally Riley would be upset by this sort of comment. However, she's reached a point that's lower than low. Despite herself, she laughs.

“Yeah. I do.” 

“Like you got dressed in the dark.”

“You can do better than that, Maya.” 

“Like a preschooler in her princess phase dressed you.” 

Mr. Matthews walks in, and his jaw drops a little as he scans the room to see Riley and Maya laughing together. Another shared laugh. This time, it's not a coincidence.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riley and Maya share a tender moment on the subway.

Riley has never been great at understanding her own emotions. Usually, she just does what feels best to her. Lately, she’s tried talking to Maya a few times, but Maya always seems annoyed or put off by this. This is nothing new, but it stings more than usual.

She wants to have her life together. It’s all she has to keep her going. She calls Lucas back, and they go out to lunch together. They’re still “on a break,” but Riley thinks things are going in the right direction. In fact, she knows they are. So what if it doesn’t feel the way she thought liking a boy would feel? Lucas is nice and makes her laugh, this much she knows. It will work if she lets it work.

Her parents, however, don’t seem to want to let go of Riley’s recent mood swings.

“Is something wrong?” Topanga asks. “Are you upset about Lucas?”

Riley doesn’t answer her mother’s question, and instead asks her own. “Mom, how do you know you like someone?”

“Like a general like, or a boyfriend like?”

“I guess… A boyfriend like,” Riley answers with a sigh. 

“You know it when you feel it,” Topanga continues. “It’s a feeling you and him are connected by fate, that you fit together.”

“But what if fate sets you up to hate each other?”

“Honey, I doubt Lucas hates you,” Topanga replies. Reality sinks in.

“Yeah, you’re right. Lucas doesn’t,” Riley says, mostly to herself. “Thanks for all the help, Mom.” 

Riley walks to her room without saying a word. How stupid was she to think she could fix how she feels? She knows, in her heart, she can either try to be with Lucas and never truly be happy, or she can face the facts of who she really is. But she doesn’t really know if she can do that, if she’ll ever be able to do that.

She sits at her bay window, draws her knees into her chest and sits in silence as the day shifts to night.

-

Maya doesn’t fully understand when it happens, but her thoughts about Riley shift from anger to tenderness. The feeling she feels in her chest is one of butterflies and not hatred; it’s so strong that she can’t deny it anymore. And that’s a problem. She looks up at Sara, who is mixing paints on the back of a paper plate and guilt rises. She knows she’s screwed, but she doesn’t know how to turn off her emotions. It makes her irrationally angry.

The words Riley choked out in the bathroom return to her: “Why do you hate me so much?” Maya knows now. She’s never really hated Riley as much as she claims to. The realization gives her a headache.

“Is something wrong?” Maya is broken out of her trance and looks up into Sara’s concerned gaze. 

“No, I’m fine,” she replies, giving a weak smile. Sara appears unconvinced.

“If you aren’t, that’s okay,” she says. She’s so fucking considerate. Maya feels even more guilt-ridden. “We don’t have to hang out after school today if you don’t want to.”

“That’s actually… Can I take a rain check? It’s just… I’m not feeling well,” Maya says.

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Maya.”

-

Maya takes the subway home by herself. Well, by herself and many other strangers and a few other kids like her who don’t get rides home from their parents. Maya has been hanging out with Sara after school for so long that she almost forgets that Riley also takes the same train home. But, low and behold, Riley Matthews herself walks in through the sliding doors, bookbag slung around her shoulders. She looks bewildered to see Maya, something Maya doesn’t expect after Riley has been attempting to be all buddy-buddy for the last week.

Riley does take the open seat next to Maya, though there are other seats available, glancing nervously up at Maya and then down at her shoes. Maya breaks the tense silence.

“Why doesn’t your daddy, Mr. Matthews, give you a ride home from school?” Maya asks, in what is supposed to be a snarky tone of voice. Her heart clearly isn’t in it; the comment has no bite.

Riley chuckles. “Please never say the word ‘daddy’ again,” she responds.  
“But really. Why take the train?”

“I like it.”

“You like it?” Maya questions, eyebrows raised.

“It feels liberating. So many people rush in and out, waiting for the world outside those doors. Everyone is free.” Riley has a far away look in her eyes that makes Maya’s insides turn to goo. 

“Well, I’ve never heard of someone feeling liberated by trash and rodents.” Maya scoffs. Riley just shakes her head. 

“Come on, we’re getting off. At the next stop, I’ll show you.”

When the train comes to its first stop, Riley tugs at Maya’s arm and nearly drags her off by the hand. For a moment after, their hands are still intertwined. Maya pulls away as if Riley’s hand is on fire, but she doesn’t seem to notice or mind. They stand off to the side so that they don’t block the floods of people coming in and out of sliding doors. Riley points to a man in an expensive suit who carries an important looking briefcase.

“Him,” she says. “What do you think his story is?”

“He’s travelling to the Upper East Side to greet his wife who suspects that he’s sleeping with his much younger secretary,” Maya answers. Riley shakes her head and points to a woman bright, red lipstick and a dancer’s posture. “She got kicked out of the Rockettes for being too old.”

“Well, now you’re just being difficult,” Riley replies with faux-bitterness. Maya can tell that her eyes are smiling. 

“Fine. What do you think?” she challenges.

“Actually, that seems about right,” Riley retorts, laughing. 

“Where even are we? I run a tight schedule, you know,” Maya says.

“I… have no clue,” Riley answers, looking around for some sort of sign that would give them some sort of suggestion of direction. 

“And to think, we’ve both lived here our entire lives,” Maya muses. “C’mon, let’s go.”

“Where?”  
“To see where we are!” 

Riley forgets all of her self control and chases Maya out into the city, clinging to her arm so she doesn’t get lost in the flocks of people moving in all different directions. 

“Oh, we’re in SoHo!” Riley says. “I know how to get back from here.”

“I hate SoHo,” Maya mutters.

“Why?”

“Rich hipsters.”

“I guess that’s fair,” Riley agrees. “Do you want to head back?”

Riley’s eyes plead with Maya, and Maya knows she can’t look away. “Eventually,” Maya replies. “But first, what’s that guy’s deal?” she asks, pointing to a balding man who seems to be in the middle of an angry phone conversation.

“He’s arguing with his mom,” Riley begins. “Because she won’t support his lifestyle as-”

“-As what?” Maya asks. Riley looks at Maya, giving her best deadpan.

“As a vegan.” Maya bursts out laughing.

-

Riley gets off the subway first. Just as they're reaching her stop, Riley murmurs, “I’m glad you don't hate me, Maya.” Maya sits perfectly still, feeling on edge.

“I never really hated you.”

“Then why were you so mean?” Riley asks. Maya tries to play it off.

“You must be an easy target.” At this point, they are both standing fairly close to each other on the tightly packed train. 

“No, I'm serious. Why really?” Riley pleas, eyes wide. Maya feels her stomach sink. She knows she can't contain everything she's tried so hard to hide, and the thought terrifies her.

“I was scared,” Maya says, her voice almost a whisper. She doesn't have to say what she was scared of. Riley understands.

“I'm a little scared too.” Riley’s hand brushes Maya’s, but Maya flinches away. Riley, instead, brings her hand up to Maya’s cheek. 

Maya doesn't move away; she can't breathe. She knows this is the point where she should back away, but it feels impossible. She's so close to Riley, and she makes the mistake of glancing down at her lips.

Maybe Riley senses her impending guilt or something, because she moves away. Maya is both disappointed and relieved. To be honest, mostly disappointed. Any regret she feels subsides as Riley walks out the door, and Maya follows her, kissing her lightly on the forehead before walking back inside the train. 

They don't break eye contact as the doors shut.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and they all lived happily ever after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry it's been ten billion years, but I decided to finish this because it felt dumb to abandon something that's almost finished! :)) i hope the ending doesn't suck!

The colors on the canvas are warm: reds, yellows, pale oranges. It's nothing like how Maya usually paints. Sara looks over and squeezes her shoulder.

"I knew you could do it."

But she didn't do it. Because it's not a landscape, and it isn't really New York City to Maya. It's Riley. It's always been Riley. She's light-headed with excitement. For once in her life, she lets herself get butterflies. 

"Thanks," Maya replies, nervously. "Hey, can we talk about something?"

"Yeah, of course. I actually wanted to talk to you too." Oh crap.

"Can it be after school?" Maya suggests, not wanting to disrupt the entire first year art class.

"Of course!" She says it with such sweetness that Maya maybe begins to feel guilty again, her chest swelling.

-

What's important about knowing who you are? The world is vast and endless, and Riley is a grain of rice against the galaxy. And she has never been happier about it. 

"You seem happy," Farkle points out to Riley as she opens her locker. This only makes her smile widen.

"Do you ever just feel something so strongly in your gut? Like you know everything is going to go the way you want it to?" she asks him. He looks bewildered at her sudden personality shift.

"I mean... no. Is this about Lucas? Are you getting back together?" Farkle asks. 

"Something like that."

And just like that, Riley finds herself in orbit around the sun.

-

And then Riley's heart sinks when she see's Maya and Sara together on the subway. Riley makes sure she's the last person to get off so she doesn't run into them walking home. 

-

Sara looks a little more upset than Maya anticipated. Maya hasn't even said anything yet! She furrows her eyebrows, cocking her head, trying to read the situation. They've been silent for maybe a full five minutes.

"So, you wanted to talk to me?" Sara asks.

Maya suddenly feels her heart in her throa. "You go first." 

"Um, okay, so..."

So? Spit it out already.

"I really like you. It's not that I don't like you-"

"You're breaking up with me." Maya says it just as she realizes what's happening, not thinking before the words spill out of her mouth.

"I'm sorry, I-" 

"-No it's just that..." Maya laughs. I mean, it's kind of funny, righ?"

"What's funny?"

"I was going to break up with you." 

Sara looks at the ground.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have laughed. Are you upset?"

"No, I'm just... You know, it's an end of an era." And Maya understands exactly. "The truth is I like someone else," Sara continues.

"Who is it?"

"Zay."

She really didn't see that coming.

-

"I can't date your ex."

"You have my consent!"

"Up until now I thought she was a lesbian." 

"She's bisexual."

"Yeah, I know that now."

Maya laughs.

"I don't get it." Zay looks at Maya as if she's insane. "You were just dumped. For me. And you aren't upset. Is this some sort of manic episode?"

Maya's giggles subside. "I guess part of me is upset." 

"And the other half of Maya?"

"She's excited for what comes next." Maya thinks about these words, lets them linger in the air "I think I should go."

-

You know those sequences where the lead of the movie runs to their lover, confessing feelings and kissing before the ending credits roll? Well, Maya figured she was going to accomplish something like this.

Only, she's at Topanga's and doesn't exactly see how she can jump behind the counter and run upstairs into the Matthew's apartment. So when she enters, on a mission, she makes a stop at the bathroom. You know, to fix her hair which currently has an inch of frizz. And then tie her sweatshirt around her waist. Or should she keep it on. No, behind the waist. Or- 

Riley walks in.

"Hello?" 

Maya turns abruptly, cheeks burning. "Hey! Hi'l

"Sorry, I just saw you walk in so..."

"Yep, that's me. Walking in..." Maya mentally punches herself. "Do you want to go for a walk or something?"

"I'd love to."

It is a good day. Riley knew it.

And so did Maya in her heart of hearts. 

The air is crisper than Maya remembers it being. The sound of traffic is softer. She doesn't feel like she needs to be angry anymore. 

"You were my first crush," Maya finally admits. "I hated that so much."

Riley's smile couldn't possibly be any brighter.

"You were mine too," she whispers.


End file.
